Mixed Thoughts On Crunkcore – Editorial

Ever since the overwhelming emergence of bands that fit into the genre “crunkcore,” “screamo-synth,” and the like, I thought everyone should take a second to ponder the reason they are popular enough to stick around. Is it simply because they are the brain child of some marketing wizz, who is content on selling over-hyped and under-qualified music to the masses? Or is that we all secretly wish to be rock stars without the time, energy, talent that it takes to truely show merit in the music industry. It seems  that adoration for groups like these only seeks to reinforce a plausible yet ridiculous future where “Hey, we could do this.”

And with the surfacing of ego stroking games such as Guitar Hero and Rock Band (both of which are fairly entertaining, until you develop crushing joint pain in almost all of your fingers/wrists) that require little more then a correct timely press of a button as we are regressed back to our primate anncestors who must solve a puzzle to get todays lunch from a scientists food dispenser. Oh, I have tons of fun playing GH and RB with friends as we belt out ridiculous renditions of everything from Modest Mouse to Fall Of Troy, but our love for instant gratification has lead to even the joy and excitement of being part of a band possible at the touch of a button.

Such is the status quo that has lead to some of the worst “musicians” to be created in recent memory. Sure we’ve had musical speed bumps along the highway of musical progression such as the flashy yet hollow Disco, the slow and lumbering depression of Grunge, and the identity crisis that was Nu Metal, but none of them seem to be the direct parady of music the way Crunkcore and the like are (ok, disco is a close second). Bands like Brokencyde, Millionaires, Hollywood Undead, Jeffree Star, Dot Dot Curve, Family Force 5, Breathe Carolina, as well as many, many more, have invaded our radios, venues, and record stores with autonomous drivel that seems to just sell and sell.

For instance several of the bands I just mentioned, namely Brokencyde, Millionaires, Jeffree Star, and Breath Carolina, have been added to this year’s Warped Tour on the sole reason of selling tickets, leaving many other acts of the tour (Gallows, NOFX, and A Day To Remember) questioning “Why the fuck are these no talent hacks on this punk originated tour?” I however don’t need to ask this question because I already know the answer. It seems that economic hardships and the general need for profits (duh, it’s a business) have led promotors and tours such as the Vans Warped Tour to add cocky, attention-grabbing, “entertainers” as it were, to fill the much needed gap between hardcore fan ticket sales and ticket sales that will send their financials into the black. And sadly there are more people out today that are interested in seeing an oddity rather than appreciating promising new music. So you have hordes of people (or dummies as I shall refer to them) surrounding stages and record counters, in anticipation of sucking in the radioactive fumes coming from their favorite talentless bands because music has become a fashion statement — an accessory to those who are still ignorant of its meaning.

So we end up with bands that serve no purpose other than to offer up musical instant gratification to dummies that are in search of the fashionable lifestyle, without realizing they are crippling creativity in music while doing so. Just to understand a little better, let us take a look at a few of the bands I just mentioned.

Millionaires

Ok so in the spirit of fairness, I thought we could tear into the female only group Millionaires first. Appearing out of no where and with no substance, this three piece electro pop divafest functions more like a team of cheerleaders then anything involving music. When I first saw them on stage at this years Warped Tour moving like crunk barbies, I thought they were some girls that had won a contest to do karoke. Boy, was I wrong. They are in fact signed to Decaydence Records, have an EP coming out and have 200,000+ fans on Myspace. Really? How they made it past Tom, I have no idea. Sure they are hot in that “I’d let that scene girl touch my penis” kind of way, but hearing them live will make you want to break what ever you have in your hands, load it into the barrel of a shotgun, and end the skull numbing noise that is coming from these three.

Brokencyde

On the other side of the gender spectrum, we have another band that has no instruments/talent insight. The poster child for the crunkcore movement, Brokencyde has taken it upon themselves to let everyone know how little they care about how we feel. Sure they realize that most legitimate musicians consider them a cancer, and most listeners consider them a spectical to either toss shoes at, or follow around blindly. Hopefully not too many in the latter, but they don’t care and even named their new album “I’m Not A Fan..But The Kids Like It!” Sales can’t be ignored though, as the age-old question presents itself, “Just because it sells a lot, does it actually mean that it is good?” If a majority is putting forth money for their garbage, then when does reason kick in and say, “Hey, groups like this need to eradicated.” Maybe never. One can wish though.

Jeffree Star

Enter the genre’s resident tranny. Like many celebrities, Jeffree Star, is famous for doing virtually nothing. Sure he helped many girls wish they were as pretty as a boy, and even made Danny Havok (AFI) look more manly (almost impossible to do), but besides that, oh and a musical “career” where he jumps around on stage with his blue haired cousin and what I am sure was a prostitute for 30 minutes, he doesn’t appear to be doing anything but dying his hair and littering the nations youth with bracelets that say things like “fierce” and “cunt.”

Dot Dot Curve

Oh god, really? Someone went and named their band after the l33t way of making a smiley face online? Oh but you haven’t heard these kids music yet, it’s worse. I’m feeling alittle like Fuckthatband.com right now, but in the presence of all these craptacular bands, it only seems natural. Dot Dot Curve is made up of Jayreck and Spanky, who spew out effects ridden shouts over electronica beats and lyrics the likes of “boys pop the bottles, and the girls pop their asses.” Tsk tsk, I’d expect that from Lil John or Soulja Boy but not you guys. In the end, it is just several buttons being pushed, lyrics that are worse than listening to Sugar Ray, and a just plain annoying sound. How they even managed to get signed is beyond me, as they were even dropped by two of their publicists because they wouldn’t work with music this terrible.

These bands are a just a select part of the disease that has slowly started choking today’s music. It seems that ever since the industry started to get flooded with overwhelming amounts of bands, every one and their grandmother thinks they can start one. And with the addition of crunkcore and the like, the very press of a button (drum beat, add synth, record) you can make something that every douche in the world want to gobble up your nonsense. It is truly saddening. But what seems more depressing is that that talented musicians may require the help from bands like these to stay afloat in uncertain times.  ~Staff